intraspective | Room 504, Sunday Early Early Morning

Ordinarily, the whole process of waking up and getting ready for the day was a very peaceful one. They had their whole routine down: who took a shower first (Zack did, because Ino took longer), who made the bed (Ino did, while Zack was in the shower), who grabbed the tea (mostly for Ino, but Zack was the one that got it while she was in the shower), and so on until, as was another part of their usual routine, they tracked down the podcast of last night's radio and turned it on.

Ino, in shorts and a tank top (pink), was sitting with her feet dangling off the edge of her bed, brushing her hair, and a cup of tea sitting just to the side on the floor. Zack, still without a shirt at this time of the day, was doing a few squats to stretch out after sleeping.

(It was an absurdly domestic scene.)

Ordinarily the radio was cause for amusement, or they didn't pay much attention to it because they were busy talking through it about various silly or not-so-silly things. Today, though, was one of the days where they actually managed to listen to it.

… And it didn't take a genius to tell, when it was over, that Ino's mood had gone from 'peaceful and cheerful in a sleepy way' to '...sigh'.

She kept up with brushing her hair, though. That much stayed the same.

[For Zack, yo.]

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From:

puppy_fair

Zack was just going to be a moment, doing another squat or two before realizing that something was awry, here. It was difficult to do morning exercises and pay the most strict attention to the people in the room with you all at the same time.

One thing that could be said for Zack, though, was that once he did notice that something was the matter, he gave it his full and complete attention. He stood up straight, and he looked Ino's way, frowning a little.

"Hear some bad news?"

He hadn't really been listening to the broadcast, but he had been fairly certain that he hadn't heard anything particularly devastating, had he?

From:

intraspective

Ino gave him an unreadable look, finishing with her hairbrush and tossing it at her (their?) pillows. It could stay there, really.

"Depends on your definition of bad news, really."

Because it was so fun to learn he didn't think she was good enough for something via radio.

... Ino had issues, please note.

From:

puppy_fair

Zack was kind of starting to figure that out. Fortunately, the fact that he had issues helped him keep a handle on things like 'patience' when dealing with somebody else's.

"Okay... So... What's yours?"

He was all ears, here.

From:

intraspective

She didn't really want to talk to him right now. Actually, what she wanted to go and do was head out to the preserve and hit things until she felt better. Train herself into exhaustion because then it was training and maybe one day she'd be good enough for more than--

What? Sleeping with? Talking to?

Obviously not good enough for anything important. Obviously not important enough to be trusted with even hearing about it beforehand.

"Right now?" she answered, because the only ways to leave the room were to... fling herself out the window (which was a possibility) or get past him to the door. And both of those seemed childish. This was her room. She didn't have to flee from it. "You."

And because that maybe wasn't specific enough...

"And Kennedy."

[And because I'm a spaz about this: Ino's issues are not mine and I really really don't want/never wanted anything more to do with the reserves than attending them. Ino is just... Special. Hi. I'll just flail more now.]

Edited Date: 2010-05-16 04:00 pm (UTC)

From:

puppy_fair

"Uh."

Very well spoken, Zack.

"You're upset because I asked her to help me run the Reserves? We were short-handed, Ino. And she seemed interested. It doesn't really mean anything except that I trust that she'll do a good job with the troops. Her and Jak both."

From:

intraspective

"Yes," she said mildly, "so interested you had to track her down to ask."

And throttling down the urge to bitch about how was it that he couldn't trust her? He didn't trust her? To be able to do the same.

Right. She knew where she stood. She was stupid to have thought he trusted her. No one ever did, when push came to shove.

From:

puppy_fair

"Well, she wasn't at the last meeting, or else I would have asked her there."

Zack wrinkled his nose a little, unable to shake the niggling feeling that there was something to this beyond that it was Kennedy that he'd asked.

"You didn't want the job, did you?"

That was about all he had, here. Not that it was Kennedy at all, but that it wasn't Ino. Which struck him as a little odd, considering he hadn't thought she was interested.

From:

intraspective

No, she didn't particularly want it. She would've liked to have been asked though.

"It's just funny," and her tone made 'funny' sound like a curse, "that apparently I don't even get to..."

To what? Have a say? It wasn't hers to run and she knew it. But it still hurt. He hadn't even thought to ask her? Really?

She didn't rate that consideration? He knew she went. Ino tugged at her hair. "Guess I know where I stand."

At the bottom. With the mud. Wasn't that fantastic?

From:

puppy_fair

"Where you stand?" Zack was doing an admirable job keeping an incredulous gawk from his face, he thought. "You stand right where you belong, Ino. You mean..." He took a breath, and he shrugged a little. "More to me than just about anyone."

And the people who did mean more were dead.

"I didn't mean anything by not asking you, Ino. Asking someone else doesn't mean I care any less. Kennedy can do the job, and she can do it really, really well, and she's actually had a presence in the group, you know? Talking with people, sharing suggestions about training exercises and things like that. I want someone in charge who can be involved that way." A beat. "And anyhow, I can't ask you because of where you stand with me."

From:

intraspective

What the hell did that mean?

"What?" she whirled to glare at him. "So I might as well not go? I don't count? I couldn't possibly do a good job? You don't even trust me enough to think of asking."

Which hurt more than not getting the job, really, when she hadn't wanted it.

"So yeah. I know where I stand. You don't trust me. You don't think I could handle something like that. I'm not good enough. Apparently I'm good enough to sleep with but not good enough to ask? Good enough to train with but not good enough to have responsibility? Good enough to kiss but not good enough to trust?"

If she'd been another girl, she might have cried. As it was, she was just going to clench her fists tight enough that her nails bit into her skin. There. Pain helped steady her. Kept her from blinking hard instead of glaring.

... It did not help her be more rational about this, though, no.

From:

puppy_fair

Zack winced at that, and hesitated for a moment before tentatively reaching out for one of her hands.

"Ino, how do you think people would imagine you got the position, if I were to ask you, knowing that it's public knowledge that we're more than just friends, if you want to be in charge?"

From:

intraspective

She grudgingly let him take her hand. Little half-moons filled with blood as her nails left her skin.

"What's that got to do with anything?" she demanded mulishly. "No one would dare say something like that about me." Because she'd come down on them like a ton of bricks. "And that's not the point."

From:

puppy_fair

Zack did wince as he watched her hands, yes. There wasn't even any point in hiding it. He'd managed to upset her, and completely without intending to, and this... weird misunderstanding, whatever it was, was bothering her that much.

And so it bugged him just enough for a wince.

"You still haven't said the point," he pointed out. "I thought about asking you, Ino. But you're always up in your tree, and so I didn't think you were interested. And I respect you too much to want anyone to think that you slept your way to a leadership role. Back on Gaia, there isn't anyone I would trust with my back more than I trust you."

... Okay, Sephiroth was pretty high up there, but that was mostly because Sephiroth could one-hit Ifrit.

Edited Date: 2010-05-16 05:01 pm (UTC)

From:

intraspective

"I told you," she said, tugging at her hand. "You don't trust me."

Ino failed listening comprehension sometimes, yes. But she thought Zack was failing it pretty hard right now too.

From:

puppy_fair

"And I told you," Zack said, his grip tightening slightly, "there's nobody I trust the way I trust you. If you think that's what my choice over the reserves was about, Ino, then you're trying too hard to come up with reasons to tell yourself I don't care."

From:

intraspective

"How am I supposed to take it?" she demanded, angry and hurt and treading the line between hitting him and crying. "Maybe I matter! But when it comes time to make choices then I never do!"

She always got left behind. And he hadn't even thought to ask her. Always with no warning. Hadn't this happened before? Ino knew how that went.

Somehow, in some way, she just wasn't good enough. Maybe they cared, maybe she mattered. But she didn't matter in the right ways.

From:

puppy_fair

Zack exhaled, loudly and raggedly and messily as he let her hands go and ran his fingers through his hair.

"When else have I passed you by, Ino? Name one other time. Just one."

He was having a hell of a time keeping himself from getting angry over this, now. But somehow, he was managing to keep from raising his voice. He hadn't done anything wrong.

From:

intraspective

She couldn't, that was the thing.

Ino wrapped her arms around her waist, heedless of the bits of blood she was getting on her tank top from the palms of her wrists, and stepped back away from him.

"You don't have to," she said bitterly. "It always starts once. And then it'll happen again and again until I don't count at all."

From:

puppy_fair

Zack sighed and gave his head a shake, stepping backward and then turning to head across the room. His back was to her as he reached for something on the dresser.

"I'm not like that, Ino." His eyebrows furrowed as he snapped a bangle into place, and then slotted a materia into it, a slight green glow illuminating his chest in the scant morning light. "When people matter... They matter. I don't just get bored or whatever, and wander away. What do I have, if I don't have you?"

He turned around, offering her a light smile.

"Can I see your hands, please?"

From:

intraspective

It would be childish, more childish than she already was being, to say no.

She was tempted to anyway. His smile tugged at her heartstrings, though, and she silently held her hands out.

"People have said that before," she said, keeping her eyes down. "That I matter, that they won't go, that I help them. And then they do leave."

From:

puppy_fair

"If I didn't trust you," Zack said, his attention turning to her hands while he focused on a Cura spell. It was a bit overkill for a few fingernail marks, but there was no sense subjecting her to a potion, and too much healing never hurt anybody anyhow. "I'd still be sleeping outside, clinging to the Buster Sword and refusing to put it away."

He suspected that sooner or later, somebody would have dragged him inside, at least. But who else would he have told about Angeal?

From:

intraspective

"It doesn't mean you'll always trust me though," she said quietly. "I can watch peoples' backs for years and then they'll still leave me behind."

Like she was trash. Like she didn't matter.

"It just feels like you didn't trust me, right here and now."

From:

puppy_fair

Zack's eyes stayed on her hands, and his fingers twined into hers.

"There's nothing that I can say that'll change what you think right now, is there? I wish there was, but... your mind is yours. And if you've made it up to believe that I don't care..."

Sigh.

"I just didn't think you wanted the job. That doesn't mean I don't want you there, or that I don't think you could do it. I trust you with ShinRa business, Ino. With monster hunts and haywire mechs back home. That's... bigger, to me. And it's something I figured you liked doing."

From:

intraspective

Her lips trembled as she studied their hands. His were so much larger than hers. Strong enough to save a world.

Who was she kidding to say she had similar strength? No wonder people couldn't trust her.

"I know you care," she said, barely above a whisper because otherwise she was going to cry. "I just..."

How could she explain what it felt like to always be the one left behind? And how his not talking to her about this felt like a precursor of things to come. It always started small.

From:

puppy_fair

"I still have some missions to do back on Gaia," he noted, trying for a smile again as he looked up a little in an attempt to catch her eyes with his. "Stuff away from Midgar, right? We've got whole continents to choose from, and you wanted to see the rocket, right?"

If she didn't want to trust his words, then he'd have to show her that he wasn't going anywhere. That was all there was to it.

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Room 504, Sunday Early Early Morning

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